The Case Against Dragging Me Into The Middle of The Street and Beating Me to Death

Dictated by Elon Musk

Hngghh! It is I! The epic bacon meme-lord and, um, dark MAGA prince, and, uhhh, your favorite red-pilled breeding-kinked billionaire, Elon Musk.

I am writing to you today to ask, I can haz your democracy? Just, just kidding, I already do!

(inexplicably starting to cry)

Please don’t break into my house drag me out from underneath my bed, into the street, and beat me to death.

(strange noises)

(inexplicable crying subsides)

No. but, but, but, fr, for, for real. I am here to ask you the American— i’m using air quotes here— “people” to be more reasonable. I have seen your protests on the app I named my son after. What gives? Don’t you realize those cars you’re destroying are worth more than your pathetic lives are?

(crying resumes)

Also, uh, um, What are you even protesting about? All I am trying to do is make everyone work way harder for less money. All I am trying to do is make America into apartheid South Africa. I don’t understand why any rich white person— the only real people— would be against that.